Rise & Shine

Working for Good

“Hi sweetie, your mom is having shortness of breath and we need to take her to the ER,” my dad remarked.

“Ok, we’re leaving now,” I mumbled into my apple watch, hoping that no one around me heard the conversation. I recruited someone to get my husband, unlatched my baby, and slipped out of the nursery

“Is everything ok?” a friend asked in the hall.

Ok?!? My babysitter, I mean Mom, is headed to the ER at the worst possible time!

“Uhh, yea,” I replied and kept walking.

I had just found a rhythm as a stay-at-home mom, and now it was time to go back to work. It was time to wrestle with a new set of questions, “Who’s going to watch the baby, are you going to pump, and how do you feel about all this?” I politely smile as I answer each question, “Yes, grandma will be with the baby, yes, I’m pumping at recess, and yes I’m trying to have a good attitude.”

DAYCARE DILEMMAS

I reunited with my husband and we headed straight to the car for a debrief.

“So, did my sister tell you what’s going on?” I asked.

“No,” my husband replied.

We put the baby in the car seat and drove away. I did my best to focus on the facts instead of worrying about the unknowns. Even if mom couldn’t watch the baby, we could work something out. I looked out the window, trying to enjoy California’s scenery.

Thoughts raced through my mind. I was still taking 50mg of postpartum anxiety medication, and this incident wasn’t helping my fear of the unknown.

“Good thing you still have paternity leave left,” I murmured to my husband.

“Let’s just take this one day at a time,” he responded.

We arrived at their house right as my parents drove away. I kept myself busy by helping around the house. Laundry, lunch, and caring for the baby. Time passed.

“Have you heard anything from mom?” I asked my sister.

“Yea, looks like they’re getting checked now,” she responded.

I tried to stay positive, remembering my mentor’s advice, “All things work together for good.” I had a hard time believing this. Really? My mom going to the ER hours before I had to be at work? Maybe I should have stayed home. How was this unforeseen, unplanned, and unwanted situation good?

More questions whirled through me like the California tide. I’d accept a decision and then reconsider. Trust God’s promises and then doubt. My thoughts crashed up against each other like the waves of the sea. Was I a good mom? What is a good mom?

My phone buzzed.

Dad had texted, “They ran some tests on her, results are inconclusive, but we’re on the way home.” Mom was ok, but she was still weak and didn’t feel comfortable driving by herself. My husband offered to bring the baby to their house and work remotely. Things were working out.

I breathed a sigh of relief and a sigh of concern, knowing that tomorrow was my first day back. It was like the first day of school jitters all over again, but in March. I had to get up at six, commute at seven, drop off the baby, and greet students all before eight. I had to look and act presentable, cover my yawns.

WORK DILEMMAS

In the morning, my husband powered on the espresso machine, frothed the milk, and made me a steamy latte. I ate breakfast in the car and tried to enjoy my commute. I arrived at school and slowly unlocked my classroom door: I made it. I had time to pump before students arrived. I pulled the divider around my desk and powered on the pumps. I pulled up a picture of the baby and tried to ignore the whizzing of the machine. I looked down to make sure milk was still coming and hoped no one would knock on the door.

I was anxious about this process, but pumping allowed me to pause. Breathe. Take a break. I looked around the classroom and admired the substitute’s new decorations. I noticed some chocolate on the desk and a note, “The kids are excited to have you back Mrs. Thomas.”

I was excited too. Excited to have a schedule, design cute slides, and create beautiful lesson plans. I was ready to toss the nursing clothes and wear real blouses, maybe even a dress. I could listen to Coffee & Crumbs again while finishing breakfast in the car. Yet, my mind was filled with insecurities. Am I a good enough teacher? Am I a good enough mom? Am I good enough at both?

“Welcome back, how are you doing?” colleagues asked.

“Good, just tired,” I replied.

“How old is he now?” they added.

“Three months, but wearing nine-month clothes.” I’d chuckle, hoping that my shirt wasn’t stained.

“Mrs. Thomas!” a student walked in with a beautiful wildflower bouquet.

“Hey bud, how are you?”

I greeted the students and smiled as they started their quiet time journals. More students entered. Everyone in Room 223 was here. As I looked around, I couldn’t help but notice the growth in their height, voice, and character.

Had the students seen my growth? I drilled “growth mindset” into my students and I was determined to practice it myself, even during maternity leave. Not just a growth mindset in my abilities but a growth mindset in the Father’s abilities. To have faith that he works all things together for good, despite unforeseen circumstances and nuanced decisions.

I displayed pictures of my baby and went through the slides for the day. We multiplied decimals, started a history project, and learned about the impacts of pollution. I made it through the day, I turned off the projector, picked up pencils, and turned off the lights.

I couldn’t wait to get home. I missed making sourdough during naptime, listening to podcasts while folding laundry, and catching up on Youtube while nursing. Yet, I also loved making unique lesson plans, listening to the students’ discussions, and catching up with coworkers. Could I love both? Could I do both? Should I do both?

I chose to finish the year strong. I chose to enjoy my baby. I chose to dwell on good. Work can be stressful. Motherhood can be stressful. Yet, despite the unknowns, I chose to believe that all things will work together for good.