When You Feel Inadequate

Trusting God's Provision

Photo by Jackson David on Unsplash

I sat in the front of a 12-passenger van, my feet on the dash, anxiously reviewing the list of things that could go wrong on our first camping trip with our 7-month-old.

The van rattled along as we transported our son, a dog, and bags of food to feed 20 people. My mind raced. Did we have enough? Would the baby sleep through the night? Would the propane run out?

The anxiety around this trip made me also think about my latest creative endeavor, writing—and how that part of my life was brimming with stress as well.

I looked at my husband as we drove through California's farmlands and mountains.

"Are you sure I should keep writing?"

He kept his eyes on the road, his voice steady and clear. "I think you should."

I took a deep breath and looked at the vineyards around us as we ascended the mountains. I thought of all the better authors, blogs, and books in the world.

When I thought of a writer, I thought of CS Lewis or JR Tolkien, not myself. I thought of all the other responsibilities I had and my shrinking amount of time to do them. How could a new mom make a difference in the world of writing? 

Small Choices Have Value

We arrived at the campground, and I hopped out of the van, eager to unload. But worries still boggled my mind. Would we run out of food? Will everyone like the food?

I grabbed bags of groceries, amazed at how just a few ingredients could feed so many people. Despite forgetting the can opener, we still managed to throw together some noodles, diced tomatoes, and ground beef for the church members who joined us for a weekend in the mountains. 

Throughout the weekend, there were small pockets of downtime. I'd pull out a pen and find scraps of paper to journal my thoughts and create in the margins. I'd write a sentence and then tend to my baby, hoping his toy rattle would entertain him for a few more minutes. I'd pull out my Bible and try to read a few more verses before his cry became too loud. 

Sharing Small Scraps Has Value

As I read the Gospel of John, I came across another group trying to feed a crowd. "There's a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish — but what are they for so many?" (ESV)

In John 16:9, Jesus was also at a mountain, but he had 4,000 people to feed, 200 times more than I did! Philip, being the analytical disciple, replied, "It would take more than half a year's wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!"

No Costco, Sam's Club, or Panera around; they were out in the mountains with no solution. But then, a little boy arrived. 

Perhaps he overheard the conversation. Maybe his mom taught him to share. Perhaps his stomach grumbled while he handed it over. 

Maybe you feel the same way? Perhaps you feel like the little boy with two fish and five loaves. Maybe you're wondering how your meager offerings make a difference for everyone else.

Or maybe you're feeling like Andrew, a disciple of Jesus, but still doubting His power, "Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?" (John 6:9, NIV).

Andrew had seen God's miracles but still wondered if he could provide for so many with so little. 

But that little boy offered what he had; he didn't keep it in his bag. He willingly surrendered it to Jesus. 

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